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So...its been far too long between posts. So much has gone on in the last few years of my turbulant life. I'll do my best to recap and not hold back anything. So as a huge chapter of my life ends, and a new one has the chance to begin I'll let you all in on how things have been. The good, the bad and everything in between.
Most people have high hopes for their life time. They have dreams of a job and life that compliment their life and personality. They to go bed at night with visions of things they want to do and accomplish. I was no different. I wanted to be a professional graphic artist, a good wife and a the same firey girl I had always been. I was a new mom, and new wife and had moved to a place so far from home my surroundings seemed completely alien. I had big plans, but I couldn't keep up with my own life. I lost a big part of myself to my job. The job that was supposed to carry me through life and school. It was supposed to keep my family living comfortably and keep me moving forward in life. That wasn't the case.
They first thing I lost was my muse. My draw and imagination to draw and create things. The fire deep within me started to fade in an effort to make time for other things. House work, my job, all the things a good mother and wife is suppose to take care of right? I wasn't for another year before I lost interest in things that were truly important to me. My skin turned pale, my eyes goant, and personality blank. At this point, I was still convinced life was good. After all, I have a husband who loves me and a daughter to raise. If I have to give up some things in my life its not 'that' bad right?
I road on this path for a long while, losing more and more of my self along the way. 2008 was my worst year. I had become uncognisable to my husband and daughter. Some of you might recall a lot of problems he and I had over the last few years. That year...I would do my best never to look at myself, never look in the mirror or glance at my reflextion. I didn't recognize myself anymore. I hated everything about the new me. I was dead inside, all the fire I had within me in the past was gone and replaced by my obligation to go to my cubical every day. I couldn't feel love, though I wanted to desperately.
Everyday when I woke up and looked at my husband I would stare at him and try to remember what it was like when I still had the 'in love' feeling with him. I wanted that motherly feeling so bad when I was with my daughter. But I felt nothing. All of that was replaced with regret and longing for what I had before.
It was time for me to go, to start over. But I was so wrapped up in what I thought was right, I couldn't do it. I kept at my job, this time with much more effort, and neglected my family even more.
Toward the end of 2008 Souljah lost his job and it was up to me to support our family. We just barely scraped by for about 9 months. We would eat the bare minimum, and just stick to work, school and house work. At this point the three of us basically turn to drones, doing nothing but work and school. At the end of this I was laid off as well.
In the begining, we did survive. For a bit. But then money evaporated and everything we always took for granted disappeared. In an effort to make sure our daughter ate regularly, Souljah and I hardly ever are. We'd both get a meal in ever few days, or when ever it was offered to us at peoples houses. There were a few days we could send her to school, as we didn't have enough food to make a proper lunch for her. Both he and I feel into a deep, and scaring depression. We had failed. As parents and people in general.
Things from then on were sketchy, and dark. I reached a place where I didn't let even my closes friends in. The Wyndsong most people knew was dead. But like a phoenix from the ashes, I did come back.
My parents rescued us, taking us in and are now currently getting us back on our feet. Their love and support, along with my husband, daughter and best friend/brother Mike I'm going to be ok. Im going to be more than ok....I'm going to come back and be the person I used to be...years ago...
Most people have high hopes for their life time. They have dreams of a job and life that compliment their life and personality. They to go bed at night with visions of things they want to do and accomplish. I was no different. I wanted to be a professional graphic artist, a good wife and a the same firey girl I had always been. I was a new mom, and new wife and had moved to a place so far from home my surroundings seemed completely alien. I had big plans, but I couldn't keep up with my own life. I lost a big part of myself to my job. The job that was supposed to carry me through life and school. It was supposed to keep my family living comfortably and keep me moving forward in life. That wasn't the case.
They first thing I lost was my muse. My draw and imagination to draw and create things. The fire deep within me started to fade in an effort to make time for other things. House work, my job, all the things a good mother and wife is suppose to take care of right? I wasn't for another year before I lost interest in things that were truly important to me. My skin turned pale, my eyes goant, and personality blank. At this point, I was still convinced life was good. After all, I have a husband who loves me and a daughter to raise. If I have to give up some things in my life its not 'that' bad right?
I road on this path for a long while, losing more and more of my self along the way. 2008 was my worst year. I had become uncognisable to my husband and daughter. Some of you might recall a lot of problems he and I had over the last few years. That year...I would do my best never to look at myself, never look in the mirror or glance at my reflextion. I didn't recognize myself anymore. I hated everything about the new me. I was dead inside, all the fire I had within me in the past was gone and replaced by my obligation to go to my cubical every day. I couldn't feel love, though I wanted to desperately.
Everyday when I woke up and looked at my husband I would stare at him and try to remember what it was like when I still had the 'in love' feeling with him. I wanted that motherly feeling so bad when I was with my daughter. But I felt nothing. All of that was replaced with regret and longing for what I had before.
It was time for me to go, to start over. But I was so wrapped up in what I thought was right, I couldn't do it. I kept at my job, this time with much more effort, and neglected my family even more.
Toward the end of 2008 Souljah lost his job and it was up to me to support our family. We just barely scraped by for about 9 months. We would eat the bare minimum, and just stick to work, school and house work. At this point the three of us basically turn to drones, doing nothing but work and school. At the end of this I was laid off as well.
In the begining, we did survive. For a bit. But then money evaporated and everything we always took for granted disappeared. In an effort to make sure our daughter ate regularly, Souljah and I hardly ever are. We'd both get a meal in ever few days, or when ever it was offered to us at peoples houses. There were a few days we could send her to school, as we didn't have enough food to make a proper lunch for her. Both he and I feel into a deep, and scaring depression. We had failed. As parents and people in general.
Things from then on were sketchy, and dark. I reached a place where I didn't let even my closes friends in. The Wyndsong most people knew was dead. But like a phoenix from the ashes, I did come back.
My parents rescued us, taking us in and are now currently getting us back on our feet. Their love and support, along with my husband, daughter and best friend/brother Mike I'm going to be ok. Im going to be more than ok....I'm going to come back and be the person I used to be...years ago...
Current Mood: 
energetic
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tired
satisfied
drained
thoughtful
blank
cheerful
giddy
restless
the hillbillies..*shudders*
sick
lonely